Good Morning Sunshine,

It’s been 7 months today. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like forever. 

You told me I could do this without you. You told me I’d be just fine. Your confidence drives me every day. When I don’t feel like waking up, when I feel like crying all day, when I can’t find the will to face the day, I remember that you knew I could do it. And so I do. 

I push myself to not just live, but thrive again, because you would have wanted that for me, and you would have wanted me to want it. 

Sometimes I feel like you’re sending signs. Signs letting me know it’s okay, and I’m doing the right thing. 

I found someone. He is kind, and loving, and understanding. He makes me feel a kind of happiness I wasn’t sure I was capable of anymore. You would have liked him, but then again, if you were here to know him, I wouldn’t have had a reason to meet him. 

It’s so weird because every part of me wants your opinion on things, but if I could get your opinion on the situation, that situation wouldn’t be an issue. So I settle for signs. Like when one of your favorite songs came on during a date. 

It’s hard telling people I have found someone new. They think it’s too soon. They look at me like maybe I didn’t love you as much as they thought I did. God I love you. I never stopped. My heart aches still at the thought of holding your hand for the last time. 

He isn’t a replacement. But I can’t get that across to people. You would have told me to not bother with anyone’s opinions. 

I love you forever. Thank you for giving me the strength to thrive even when you are no longer here.

 Good Morning Sunshine,

There seem to be signs everywhere and I’m not one for signs. They are so prevalent though it makes even me stop and take notice. 

Do you approve of this man? He has been so good to me and for me. It’s such a weird place to be because I want your opinion but if I could have it, I wouldn’t need it. 

Please send more signs. 

I love you. 

 Good morning Sunshine,

I find myself increasingly needing your advice. And it’s weird because I wouldn’t need it if you were here. 

Dating. 

What the fuck did I get myself into? I was ready to hate it and everyone I met. You would have told me to find the good. More than that baby, I think I found someone good. How is that possible? I was ready to never be with anyone ever again and then one day, I woke up and life was happening. You told me I could do this life without you. We never talked about what that included. Other people? Selling our home? I’m not selling our home, but maybe one day I’ll be looking down the barrel of a new family and it will be necessary. 

He is kind, and patient and understanding. He tells me I’m beautiful. He lets me cry when I need to. He’s hard working. He would take care of me. He asks about you. I think I’ve captured why I loved you the best I can. It’s hard to fit 9 years into a few sentences.

I have our wedding bands around my neck. I will always love you. I never went into this to replace you. Just to try and be happy again. I don’t want to be alone honey. All those years with you, it turns out, made me inclined to be with someone.

It’s early. I have no idea where this person and me are heading but I am happy with him right now. I’m focusing on that. 

The world is still so strange. My brain is still having trouble rectifying all that has happened this year. It seems so far away and then like yesterday. 

I love you. Always.  

 Good Morning Sunshine,

The election is going on. I voted in your honor. Such crazy times I’m sitting in. 

I’m sitting at someone’s apartment. I’m not sure how you would feel about them. I’m not sure how I feel about them. It feels like my heart is being broke all over again. The reality of starting over is exhausting. 

I picked out a new ring. Two actually. You would have wanted them to be bigger but I love them. I’m wearing yours around my neck. 

I wish you were still here. I wish I had a way of hearing your voice and knowing your answers. 

 Good morning Sunshine,

You were my light and my life. And I’m so mad. Why aren’t you here? 

Why did you leave?

Why am I sitting here dating?

Do you know what dating looks like right now?

Do you know what it’s like to explain being widowed at 29?

Fuck, I’m mad. 

You didn’t prepare anything incase of something bad. You were the ultimate optimist. Which was great, until it wasn’t. You believed your family would take care of things. They didn’t. You believed your family would take care of me. They didn’t. 

Why did you leave me?

I went on a date and wanted to hate it. Instead I fell head over heals for this man. I didn’t want to. I wanted to hate the time. I wanted to hate him. I couldn’t. He is smart and realistic and kind. He was caring and didn’t run when I told him about you. He’s emotionally not there, though. He had his heart broke in another way. He didn’t want me to “not see what was out there”. He was right. Who starts dating and falls for the first person they go out with? 

You and me. But I guess that’s not how it’s supposed to be. 

So I went on a date with someone else. Now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what I’ve done. They’re both such great men for such different reasons. They are 180 degrees from each other. 

They both do things that remind me of you. They both suggest doing things we used to do or had planned to do. 

I’m trying to find a way to move forward with you. Not on from you. 

I love you. But also fuck the fact that you had to leave me. The world, my world, misses you. 

Good Morning Sunshine,
There’s good things happening. It feels weird to be happy and not have you to share it with.

The plants are doing so well! We had our first zucchini blossom and I went on a hunt to find a male flower to pollinate it with. It just felt important to try and have that first zucchini happen. The pumpkin looks so awesome. You would have been so excited! I know how much we were looking forward to planting that pumpkin seed. Oh honey I wish you could see it! Even if we don’t get a pumpkin, the plant itself is beautiful. If we get a pumpkin, you can bet I’ll enter it in the pumpkin weigh off. I don’t care if it’s half a pound.

I got the sprinkler system fixed. It was leaking a little. Then, I bought a new control panel and installed it myself. You would have shook your head and told me how good I was with “all that technology stuff”. Oh but baby it’s so cool! I can control the sprinklers from my phone! Just like the thermostat I installed when we first bought the townhouse. The grass isn’t really liking the water restrictions and heat. I’m trying though. Now that the sprinkler leak is fixed and I can keep the water on a schedule, hopefully it gets better.

The security camera keeps catching a skunk walking by. It’s the first thing I check for each morning. Instead of waking up to you, I wake up to looking for a skunk on the camera. Weird, but sometimes I feel like that skunk is here from you. Then, a couple nights ago, the raccoon that was trying to break into our attic came back! She wasn’t trying to rip into our house though. She just walked by...with her two babies! I told my parents that I think the lesson here is to not have a camera unless you really want to know what’s walking by.

I love you baby. I love you so much. I miss you every day. I miss sharing in happiness with you. I miss resting my head on your chest at night. I miss taking pictures of you and the boys. I miss getting pictures of the boys from you while I’m at work. I just miss you.

Good morning Sunshine,
It’s been a bit. Sometimes I have a lot to write and get out of my head. Sometimes I don’t. I never stop thinking about you. Moments are hard and harder. There is nothing easy right now. Still. I still want to call you. I still want to text you. I wait for you to send me a funny video on messenger.

Last night I watched a couple get engaged and it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I came across three states to get away from things and I feel you closer than ever. I also miss the boys. I go back tomorrow and I’ll be so excited to be with them again.

I’m trying to figure out how to go to Yellowstone. You were my everything. My best friend, our dogs’ best friend. My handyman. My love. I was always at peace knowing the dogs were with you. Now I don’t know what to do.