Good morning sunshine,

Sometimes I lay awake thinking about you. Like right now. It’s 3 am, I can’t sleep.

Tonight, everything I remember seems to be around our kitchen. We spent a lot of time cooking and eating together. You told me once that you didn’t like to eat alone. Me either. Turns out I also don’t really like cooking for just me. I’ve been preparing meals for almost 9 years for the two of us. I’ve been grocery shopping for two of us. Every time I’m at the store, I keep picking up things I think you would like, just like I did when you were alive. I know it hasn’t been long but I wonder if I’ll ever stop shopping for you.
I keep thinking about those times in the kitchen when you were cooking and I would sneak up behind you and squeeze your butt. You’d always chuckle.
And all the things you used to cook for me. Things I’m not sure I can recreate without you. I remember the last time you made salsa and the smell of the roasting tomatoes and onions.

When you were in the hospital and food was not sounding good, you wanted me to cook for you. Some kind of amazing that it was my cooking you wanted. I’ve never been a great cook. Although, even you admitted I had gotten better over the years.

I keep wondering if I’ll ever stop crying. Or will I stop wanting to call you to tell you stories? That’s why I started this. I just want to talk to you again. I want your opinion. Right now I can hear you saying “stop crying, it’s going to be okay”. I never imagined life without you. I’m not sure how it can be okay. I lost my life partner. I told you I didn’t know if I could do this without you that day in the hospital. You looked at me and said “of course you can”. I keep thinking I just want to ask you what to do. What do I do? That day in the hospital when I asked you, you said “stop crying”, so I guess I could start there.

The sprinkler is fucking leaking. Otherwise, the house is doing well. I think we got rid of the raccoon.  The dogs are doing great. Hamilton scratched his neck on something the other day. Crazy mutt. They hate the sprinklers. The first time I turned them on Hamilton got stuck on the other side of the yard from the door because he refused to run through the water. Oh you would have laughed!

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. I went to our favorite taco place, drank some tequila, and watched Coco (even though that’s about Dia de los Muertos). We normally made tacos and margaritas. I’m not sure if I didn’t have the energy or heart but I just bought food this year. You would have been okay with it, because you love the damn place. I love that we found it together.

I miss you.